another chapter to our book...

I've been going over and over in my head how to write this post.. for four days actually. There's really no easy way to put it, so here it is...

I've talked about how awesome my OB clinic and his staff are!! Any time I have a question or concern they call me back within minutes and offer to get me in for reassurance.. this past Thursday was just like any other day, I had a question which the nurse assured me was normal. A few hours later she called back & said they had a cancellation and for me to come in.. (not because she was concerned but because I work in the same building and they treat me like a celebrity) No one knew I was going to see the doctor but the girls and doctor I work with.. I was actually hoping he could find out what we were having so I could surprise Ben with a blue or pink onsie on my way home.. After laughing with the nurse and doctor about how paranoid I was they proceeded with the ultrasound.. after a few silent seconds (which seemed like hours) I finally looked up @ the ceiling and softly said, there's no heartbeat. The doctor was silent for another second and answered, "I don't see one." He continued to look, at every angle possible and the baby was not moving and there was no heartbeat in the chest cavity. To say the doctor was shocked is an understatement, he was at a loss for words.. I found myself laying on that cold table, alone having de ja vu of this time a year ago. The worst part of the whole ordeal was having to call Ben and our families and completely blindsiding them with the news. Since I was between 13-14 weeks along I had to have a D & E on Friday.. Physically I feel good, mild cramping but nothing like I anticipated, I plan on going back to work tomorrow. Ben and I spent last night pouring our hearts out to each other for the first time since finding out our second babies fate on Thursday afternoon.. Our doctor assured us that Weslee and this baby passing away had nothing to do with each other, his exact words were, "this sucks and it's just bad luck." That sounds unsympathetic but it's so true.. many people have miscarriages but only 5% have them in their second trimesters.. there's no known cause, again we have no answers.. we were told that the odds of this happening again are low and we were encouraged to go for it again!! All Ben and I can do is try to stay positive and look to the future... At first I said, shouted actually, I can't do this again, I don't want to do this again.. but that's something that I will pray about and put in Gods hands. I still have my faith and know that God has a perfect plan for us all!! Just like last time we've already been surrounded by wonderful support, family, friends, & familiar stories to let us know we're not alone... please pray that Ben and I can be strong in our faith and make the right decisions as we move forward with our family.

On a positive note, my sister should be delivering Brynn (niece #3) any time, at the latest early next week!! One of the first things I told my doctor once finding out about this baby was, it's okay I've got a new niece coming any time!! Random what thoughts pop into your head in the midst of tragedy.. I love my sister and her family, those girls are a great healing for me, when I see them I see hope, life, innocence, and pure love!! Megan actually said when they told her auntie's baby was "sick" again that... "ohh so it'll be in Heaven with baby Weslee." So true Megan, so true!!