MIA

I haven't blogged much since my big post about our journey with IVF and mother's day.. to be honest I've been having super high and low days. After finding out we lost both embryo's, having surgery, being hospitalized (another post in itself) bed rest, and my every day priorities I found it hard to function with the world. The past two Sunday's I've gotten up with all intentions of going to church but I would spend the majority of the morning with a lump in my throat. I couldn't stand the thought of facing the ones (many) that knew about our journey... when your dad is the pastor of a large church & you live in a small town people tend to "hear" things. In their defense the majority of these people love and care for Ben and I. I truly believe they have our best interest at heart.. I'm not a touchy/feeling person so the thought of all those hugs were more than I could handle. Geez, how selfish do I sound?? It's not just that.. any time people bring it up my eyes immediately start watering!! I know they care but you can only hear, "it'll happen one day.. you'll be a great mother.. keep your head up.. etc" so many times!! So what are people supposed to say?? Great question, all I can think of is a smile and an I'm sorry. Again, I sound so selfish!!! Please don't think differently of me, until you've been there you never know how you'll act or feel?! Some days, most days I'm so positive, even encouraging but there are the random melt downs!!

I did want to share some news we received last week.. my fertility doctor personally called me, which I thought was special!! When I had my D & C they sent the "specimen" off for testing. He's trying to figure out why I keep miscarrying.. can they find a root cause?? We've had blood work done extensively and it has all been negative. We were a little apprehensive about what these results were going to read.. of course the worst scenario went through our heads.. what if we're carriers of some gene?? What if they tell us we should never get pregnant again?? My doctor is very to the point, which I love!! He started quoting numbers, which I should know being a nurse.. but I graduated nursing school in 2006 and have been in plastic surgery every since. Needless to say I am a little rusty on my numbers and terminology. One thing I did recognize was when he said there were 46 (chromosomes).. I remembered that the male has 23 and the female has 23 = 46!! That in itself was a positive note.. he followed the number 46 by saying "xy"... which I couldn't remember. He followed that by saying, "it would have been a boy." I was not ready for that news, I actually had him repeat himself. I was elated, I mean on cloud 9, with a lump in my throat might I add!!!! I lost the first embryo through bleeding around week 5, @ 6 weeks is when we discovered the other's heart stopped beating. (the reason they only tested one) To some I realize this may sound or be morbid but to us it's a huge triumph!!

The short term plan is to go back and have more blood work done in the next few weeks.. they did find one abnormality with me but it can be corrected with medication!!

The long term plan is still to wait a few months before "trying" again, if not longer to let my body rest.. not to mention get a litte peace of mind!! At first it sounded so good, take a few months off, relax, go on vacation, enjoy summer... but the time sure does creep when you're so ready..

I continue to pray for peace, patience, guideance, and answers!!

GOD IS IN CONTROL, we are not!!! I have to remind myself of this daily....

Happy Mother's Day

Although I am not able to celebrate this day with my own child/ren, I am so fortunate to have a mother & MIL who love me unconditionally!!

Words can't describe the relationship my mom and I have.. when I say she's my best friend, I truly mean it!! I talk to her at least twice a day, sometimes more.. She has always been my biggest fan and #1 supporter with everything I've ever done in life. I know I've aged her with some of my decisions I made along the way.. When I think back to some of the scenarios I put her in, I cringe!! She never once gave up on me, whether it was friends, boyfriends, school, etc.. Over the past three years we've been through more personally & financially than we ever imagined!! She gave up her time to be with me, hold my hand, look at things she hasn't seen since I was a baby, help take care of Avery, pay for meals, send encouraging cards, take time off work, you name it, she's done it!! I don't always open up and talk about my feelings, I get that from my dad.. it drives my mom nuts, I know she worries about me!! That's what moms do right??

My MIL is always one phone call away, whether it's to talk, be at the hospital, or just catch up.. We don't get to see her near enough with Ben and her both being in school.. but when we do it's like no time has lapsed at all!! Thank you Mary Ann for loving me like your own and treating me like a daughter!!


Happy Mother's Day!!

Dixie Darlins

It's that time of year again, Laci is playing softball!! It's amazing watching the difference a year makes and how much the girls actually pick up the game.. Laci is playing first base and catching and making a lot of outs!! She's also slugging the ball like crazy!! They play a few games a week and I look forward every time to watching her!! Megan is in a stage where she has to be in the mood to get her picture taken and on this day she wasn't having it!! So here are a couple of Laci and Brynn!!!

boooooooorrrrrrrrriiiinggggggg!!

When my brother Wesley would be bored growing up he would yell at the top of his lungs "BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!" It's something we all do occasionally to make us laugh!! Of course this long word was followed by my mom threatening to put a broom in his hand!! I haven't blogged anything with substance in quite some time.. truth is, not much has gone on to blog about?!! I have been working longer hours than ever, which is good for business!! Ben is neck high with school, studying, and working when he can. All of those things mixed with fertility treatments = one boring/tired couple!! I hope one day soon to be able to write a happily ever after post but for now this is our reality. I wouldn't trade it for anything!! Of course if I could snap my fingers and be pregnant with a healthy baby I would, let's be honest. But for whatever reason that's not where we're at right now. Since it's just Ben and I (plus Avery who is so laid back it's like she's not here) we have extra time to love on our nieces!! If you've read my blog at all you know how special they are to us. Amber told me a few weeks ago that when the big girls pray at night they pray for auntie to have a baby. Megan prayed a specific prayer not long ago that went something like this... "I pray for auntie to have a baby and for it not to go to Heaven." How pure, sweet, & innocent!!! Of course I got a knot in my throat when Amber told me this for many reasons.. then it hit me that at 4 years old we're able to teach Megan (& Laci at 6) about Jesus and Heaven. I can't find many positives about losing a baby/child/loved one but if our story can change a life, or bring someone to know Jesus than it's worth it. That's a tough pill to swallow but we believe it wholeheartedly!!
Some close friends and family know the details of what we're going through with our infertility journey, others just know we're struggling. I promise one day to pour my heart out with this journey!! For now I ask that you pray.. pray for patience, courage, strength, FAITH, and for Gods will to be done in our lives.

Happy (belated) Birthday Ben!!

Monday, March 21 Ben turned 31!! Sadly he's so busy with school and I'm working long hours that we didn't do much to celebrate. Monday when I finally got home my parents grilled out for us. Wednesday night we met his parents, sister & brother-in-law at the Country Club for pasta night, yumm!! It seems the older you get the less you want to celebrate :) Instead of asking for specific presents you ask for money.. (to put towards bill in our case)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY Benny, Avery and I love you so much and we hope you know how much you mean to us!!

Infertility

I was looking back through some of my posts and realized I haven't updated on our baby making status, or lack there of... Ben and I continue to struggle with infertility. We knew before getting pregnant with Weslee something wasn't quite right. It took six months with her and the second go around we got pregnant right after a surgery when my "pipes" were clean. Since my miscarriage this past November we've continued to try... fast forward to today & we're still trying!! Infertility is something I can't describe in words. Unless you've been there you can't truly understand the darkness that comes with it. We have so many people that pray for us on a daily basis and let us know they're thinking of us. I can't say enough how much this means to me, I will get random texts or e-mails from people saying they prayed for me that day. It's amazing how they always come just when I need them!! I have been very open with our journey since getting pregnant with Weslee. We're not at a place where we want to talk about what we're facing now. I will be very open with our journey once we get to where we're trying to go. For now, please pray that we make the right decisions, for the doctors guidance, our peace of mind, and for Gods will to be done in our lives.

Mississippi weekend!!

Last weekend my mom, dad, Hannah (Wesley's girlfriend) and myself got to take a road trip to Starkville, Mississippi to watch Wes and his team play!! It was a tournament with Iowa and Mississippi State. They were calling for rain all weekend so we packed sweat shirts and jeans.. what we weren't prepared for was how could it was!! Friday was just windy but Saturday it was rainy, windy, & cold!! We definitely didn't' have enough clothes.. Sunday before the games we ran around town (which is very small) to look for any type of warm clothing. We found scarves and gloves on a sale rack at a Dollar General. We stayed in the same hotel as the team so we were able to spend a lot of time with Wes before and after the games!! It was such a wonderful weekend even though the weather was crazy!!

Mississippi State has a unique field and it was neat to play there!!


Wes and Hanny


Hanny and I


mom dad & myself trying to stay dry & warm


The 3 of us one night eating out


This would be from Sunday's double header games, possibly the coldest of the games!!


FREEZING!!! Yes, I had on a rain jacket with ear warmers on.. it was so windy I did whatever I could to stay warm!!


brrrr


the field


Wes doing what he does, pitching!!






It was a great weekend, it's always so refreshing to see Wes!! He's had a long journey and we're so proud of what all he's overcome!! Their official season began last night and they won, they also won today so they're starting out on a great start!! I look forward to many more road trips and cheering for the Georgia State Panthers and #34!!

Love you uncle Wes, we're so proud of you!!