MIA

I haven't blogged much since my big post about our journey with IVF and mother's day.. to be honest I've been having super high and low days. After finding out we lost both embryo's, having surgery, being hospitalized (another post in itself) bed rest, and my every day priorities I found it hard to function with the world. The past two Sunday's I've gotten up with all intentions of going to church but I would spend the majority of the morning with a lump in my throat. I couldn't stand the thought of facing the ones (many) that knew about our journey... when your dad is the pastor of a large church & you live in a small town people tend to "hear" things. In their defense the majority of these people love and care for Ben and I. I truly believe they have our best interest at heart.. I'm not a touchy/feeling person so the thought of all those hugs were more than I could handle. Geez, how selfish do I sound?? It's not just that.. any time people bring it up my eyes immediately start watering!! I know they care but you can only hear, "it'll happen one day.. you'll be a great mother.. keep your head up.. etc" so many times!! So what are people supposed to say?? Great question, all I can think of is a smile and an I'm sorry. Again, I sound so selfish!!! Please don't think differently of me, until you've been there you never know how you'll act or feel?! Some days, most days I'm so positive, even encouraging but there are the random melt downs!!

I did want to share some news we received last week.. my fertility doctor personally called me, which I thought was special!! When I had my D & C they sent the "specimen" off for testing. He's trying to figure out why I keep miscarrying.. can they find a root cause?? We've had blood work done extensively and it has all been negative. We were a little apprehensive about what these results were going to read.. of course the worst scenario went through our heads.. what if we're carriers of some gene?? What if they tell us we should never get pregnant again?? My doctor is very to the point, which I love!! He started quoting numbers, which I should know being a nurse.. but I graduated nursing school in 2006 and have been in plastic surgery every since. Needless to say I am a little rusty on my numbers and terminology. One thing I did recognize was when he said there were 46 (chromosomes).. I remembered that the male has 23 and the female has 23 = 46!! That in itself was a positive note.. he followed the number 46 by saying "xy"... which I couldn't remember. He followed that by saying, "it would have been a boy." I was not ready for that news, I actually had him repeat himself. I was elated, I mean on cloud 9, with a lump in my throat might I add!!!! I lost the first embryo through bleeding around week 5, @ 6 weeks is when we discovered the other's heart stopped beating. (the reason they only tested one) To some I realize this may sound or be morbid but to us it's a huge triumph!!

The short term plan is to go back and have more blood work done in the next few weeks.. they did find one abnormality with me but it can be corrected with medication!!

The long term plan is still to wait a few months before "trying" again, if not longer to let my body rest.. not to mention get a litte peace of mind!! At first it sounded so good, take a few months off, relax, go on vacation, enjoy summer... but the time sure does creep when you're so ready..

I continue to pray for peace, patience, guideance, and answers!!

GOD IS IN CONTROL, we are not!!! I have to remind myself of this daily....

Happy Mother's Day

Although I am not able to celebrate this day with my own child/ren, I am so fortunate to have a mother & MIL who love me unconditionally!!

Words can't describe the relationship my mom and I have.. when I say she's my best friend, I truly mean it!! I talk to her at least twice a day, sometimes more.. She has always been my biggest fan and #1 supporter with everything I've ever done in life. I know I've aged her with some of my decisions I made along the way.. When I think back to some of the scenarios I put her in, I cringe!! She never once gave up on me, whether it was friends, boyfriends, school, etc.. Over the past three years we've been through more personally & financially than we ever imagined!! She gave up her time to be with me, hold my hand, look at things she hasn't seen since I was a baby, help take care of Avery, pay for meals, send encouraging cards, take time off work, you name it, she's done it!! I don't always open up and talk about my feelings, I get that from my dad.. it drives my mom nuts, I know she worries about me!! That's what moms do right??

My MIL is always one phone call away, whether it's to talk, be at the hospital, or just catch up.. We don't get to see her near enough with Ben and her both being in school.. but when we do it's like no time has lapsed at all!! Thank you Mary Ann for loving me like your own and treating me like a daughter!!


Happy Mother's Day!!