Flashback

My last post was July 24, and it wasn't much of a post.. I said I would update you all on everything that has been going on with us. I had good intentions but life has been pretty crazy the past few months.

As far as every day life goes, Ben and I are both still working and loving what we do. I'm so grateful to have a job that I passionately love going to!! Ben continues to amaze me by going to school Tuesday - Friday, working a 12 hour shift Saturday & Sunday, with Monday being his only day off to study and sleep in. We both know this is a means to an end and it will pay off come December when he graduates!! He still gives 110% and is on the honor roll, I am so proud of him!! We did some fun things this summer while taking some time off from trying to get pregnant. We also celebrated some family members birthdays and special holidays together. Speaking of family, we are so fortunate to have such an amazing family (on both sides) that love and support us unconditionally!!

I've been asked by a couple different people why I haven't blogged, some family & some friends.. in all honesty, I've sat down, logged on, started to type then signed back off. When you don't have kids it's hard to find something to blog about every day. Right now Ben and I lead pretty predictable lives.. we usually see family at night, go eat with them, but mostly we come home, Ben studies, & I typically take a bath and get in bed. Crazy right??

I do know a lot of people keep up with our infertility journey on this blog which I've decided to continue. I've debated over the past few months if I should delete this or start back.. I've learned that most people care and want so badly for Ben and I to have children. I've received several notes in the mail from total strangers (some I know, some I don't) encouraging us, sending us prayers, & bible verses. That means more to me then any of you will ever know!! So here's a condensed version that will get you all up to date. After taking a few months off at the beginning of the summer, I started back on birth control the end of June. This would be the start to another IVF cycle. (IVF cycle #2 for us) Mid July I stopped that medicine and soon after started the beloved shots every night. Along with shots I took several other medicines every day. By the end of July I was finally ready for the retrieval of my eggs. I don't remember how specific I was with our last IVF cycle but I'll give you a few details here.. A "normal" woman should produce at least 20 eggs, that does not mean they will be good enough to use.. For whatever reason I do not produce many eggs, I am lucky to have 6. This particular cycle I believe they retrieved 9, which we were thrilled about. We did a day 5 transfer (options are day 3 or 5) because the embryos were growing and thriving, again we were elated. I should also mention with this cycle I was responding so much better to the drugs, my levels were much higher which was a huge praise!! We chose to put in two embryos the day of the transfer which was the first of August. The transfer went smooth as could be, and we had to wait a few days to see if the other three embryos survived. (In this case we would freeze those to use at a later date) At this point you have to wait two weeks from the day of the retrieval for blood work to see if you were successful. This put us doing blood work the second week of August, which was positive!! Praise the lord, the number was also much higher this time then last. You always go back two days later to make sure the number is rising and we were elated to learn it had more than doubled. I ended up doing lab the following week for some reason or another and it was much higher than the doctor anticipated!! That put our minds at ease more than we can say.. the anxiety that comes with trying to get pregnant is intense but when you've been through what we've been through and add IVF that same anxiety intensifies by 100,000!! Besides the emotional aspect, we also have a lot of money put into this venture. The following week I had some discharge that was less than calming. They got me in that day for an ultrasound, which was four days earlier than our original U/S was scheduled for. We learned on this day that one embryo had implanted and there was a heartbeat, a very slow heartbeat but it was there. We were only 5 1/2 weeks at this point so the heartbeat wasn't a worry to the doctor, we were just so blessed there was one there!! We kept our appointment four days later and learned the HR had jumped to 99 which is right where it should be at six weeks!! The following week I went in on Monday & Thursday, both days the heartbeat was around 100 which all involved were a little hesitant about.. at this point they would of liked it to be in the 120's.. The following Monday, Labor Day we had another ultrasound and learned that our embryo did not have a heartbeat. Two days later, one last ultrasound to verify there was no heartbeat and later that morning I had yet another D & C. So, yes we did IVF again, yes we were successful, but we did lose the embryo and I am now recovering from another surgery. Like last D & C I've had some complications.. talk about kicking you when you're down. Through it all Ben and I have held our heads high and leaned on each other for support. We're VERY open and honest and communicate our feelings throughout the whole process, it's all you can do to stay sane. We kept this IVF cycle more hush hush this time around so please don't be upset if you didn't know.. Of course it did leak out to a few people and immediate family & friends did know. Everyone has been more than supportive and loved on us. How did I handle this loss?? To be honest, I'm numb.. I have not cried since finding out there was no heartbeat. I asked Ben if there was something wrong with me.. I do get an occasion knot in my throat but it's usually because I hear something else sad. With me random things set me off, usually it's a song or something someone says. We are not discouraged and plan to try again.. We do not have a plan at this point, we're letting my body heal once again. That's where we're at in our journey with infertility.  Please pray for patience, answers, and for open minds and hearts as to what our next step should and will be...

This is my favorite time of year, other than Christmas itself!! I love the cool weather, football on Saturdays, getting dark earlier, decorating the house, fall scented candles, getting together with family, grilling out, taking walks, & a lot of fun holidays!! I love my life - husband, family, friends, & dog.. I am one fortunate woman!! Although the past couple of years have been trying, we've learned something through each loss & our story is being written.. we look forward to each chapter and seeing what God has planned!!

Every day's a good day, some days are just better than others!!

yikes!!

I've had good intentions of blogging for weeks now... unfortunately this post will be filled with no substance. I have to catch up on our beach vacation, 4th of July, Mary Ann's birthday, infertility updates, my 4 year wedding anniversary, and I'm sure I'm missing out more.. I just wanted to say I'm still here and have good intentions of playing catch up, soon!!

Happy Father's Day!!

****I just found this post in my edited section.. I always wondered why it didn't show up

I am two days late on this post but I did want to acknowledge the holiday. On mother's day I did a post about my mom & MIL. So tonight I'm going to say thank you to my dad and FIL for being such wonderful fathers!!

My dad is a true man of God. Easy for me to say that because he's a preacher right?? I can honestly say he walks the walk and talks the talk. I am so proud of my dad, poppy for all that he's been through throughout his time in the ministry. We laugh at the people that say things like, "you only work on Sundays, how bad could it be" etc. All I can say to that is YOU.HAVE.NO.IDEA. My dad has always put my mom and us kids #1!! I remember him getting us up and ready for school while my mom went through nursing school. He drove to Arkadelphia every week for classes.. he continued through school until he received his doctorate!! He started at FBC as a youth minister 26 years ago, he is now the senior pastor. I have never been one to enjoy "big church." I always found a reason to dislike something the preacher did. I know it's my dad and I'm partial but I love to hear him preach. He's so down to earth and relates to each person in the room. What you see is what you get.. I am a lot like my dad which I think is a great thing!! I LOVE the way he adores my mom. He NEVER let us disrespect her, especially my brother. I remember Wes being pinned to the ground many times & dad saying you don't talk to your mother that way :) I have been through a lot throughout the years with family & friends being taken away from us too soon. He has been by my side during each tragedy. The one time he was not able to be by my side was when Weslee came into this world. Unfortunately and sadly, he had to be away to do a funeral for a family that had to bury their own daughter much too soon. We never talked about him not being there, he was where he needed to be. He has a way with words and speaks beautifully at funerals. Honestly, it was probably a blessing he and my brother were not able to be there. It was a tough, tough ordeal!! My first question to my mom after I delivered her was have you called dad to let him know I'm okay and Weslee is in Heaven. I mentioned a few posts ago that I had to be hospitalized after my last D & C. I didn't blog about it at the time because I had enough "poor Sarah" at that time. One week after the surgery I was still actively bleeding.. not enough to worry (Ben was worried but I wasn't worried) It wasn't until one night when I woke up in extreme pain.. we did everything we could to get me comfortable until the morning because I did not want to go to the ER. I went to the doctor first thing and he immediately admitted me to the hospital. He thought I had some type of infection. Apparently every one thought I would end up needing a hysterectomy, WHAT?? I guess that would be my luck.. (twisted humor) Turned out all my labs were normal, thankfully.. I just had an old hematoma that was ridding itself. I was put on strong IV antibiotics, had many scans, & sent home the next day. I mention that story now because every one was working when I got the news so my dad met me at my house and took me to the hospital. I kept telling him he could go.. of course he wasn't going anywhere until I was settled. He had no idea what he was in for (neither did I) Needles do not bother me.. I know I have terrible veins and tell the nurses ahead of time. I also say, don't worry if you miss, I wont complain. (can't stand people who threaten the nurse before she sticks you) This particular nurse proceeded to dig the needle in the same vein three times!!! I kept telling her they were very superficial, she finally listened. That fun situation was followed by Dr. B calling letting me know I had to get a catheter for a CT scan. A CATHETER??? My first question of course was were you going to knock me out??? (answer was no by the way) Remember, my dads the only one with me.. he was sweet (& smart) to turn his head but I sweetly & politely asked him to back up and hold my hand. He's probably not thought about it again but him being there and literally holding my hand during that procedure put me at ease. (For those of you who ever have to get a catheter while wide away & on no meds, it's honestly not bad!!)
I could go on and on about what my dad means to me & our family!!

Dr. Phil, my FIL is also a selfless man who loves me like his own daughter. He is always willing to give advice and listens to me. He has walked with Ben and I through each step of our losses. He always has the right words to say and such sound words of wisdom!! He is so level headed and passed on some wonderful character traits to Ben. I am forever grateful this man is a part of my life!!

Ben and I are SO fortunate to have parents that love and support us!! It's with faith, family & friends that keep us going every day!!

MIA

I haven't blogged much since my big post about our journey with IVF and mother's day.. to be honest I've been having super high and low days. After finding out we lost both embryo's, having surgery, being hospitalized (another post in itself) bed rest, and my every day priorities I found it hard to function with the world. The past two Sunday's I've gotten up with all intentions of going to church but I would spend the majority of the morning with a lump in my throat. I couldn't stand the thought of facing the ones (many) that knew about our journey... when your dad is the pastor of a large church & you live in a small town people tend to "hear" things. In their defense the majority of these people love and care for Ben and I. I truly believe they have our best interest at heart.. I'm not a touchy/feeling person so the thought of all those hugs were more than I could handle. Geez, how selfish do I sound?? It's not just that.. any time people bring it up my eyes immediately start watering!! I know they care but you can only hear, "it'll happen one day.. you'll be a great mother.. keep your head up.. etc" so many times!! So what are people supposed to say?? Great question, all I can think of is a smile and an I'm sorry. Again, I sound so selfish!!! Please don't think differently of me, until you've been there you never know how you'll act or feel?! Some days, most days I'm so positive, even encouraging but there are the random melt downs!!

I did want to share some news we received last week.. my fertility doctor personally called me, which I thought was special!! When I had my D & C they sent the "specimen" off for testing. He's trying to figure out why I keep miscarrying.. can they find a root cause?? We've had blood work done extensively and it has all been negative. We were a little apprehensive about what these results were going to read.. of course the worst scenario went through our heads.. what if we're carriers of some gene?? What if they tell us we should never get pregnant again?? My doctor is very to the point, which I love!! He started quoting numbers, which I should know being a nurse.. but I graduated nursing school in 2006 and have been in plastic surgery every since. Needless to say I am a little rusty on my numbers and terminology. One thing I did recognize was when he said there were 46 (chromosomes).. I remembered that the male has 23 and the female has 23 = 46!! That in itself was a positive note.. he followed the number 46 by saying "xy"... which I couldn't remember. He followed that by saying, "it would have been a boy." I was not ready for that news, I actually had him repeat himself. I was elated, I mean on cloud 9, with a lump in my throat might I add!!!! I lost the first embryo through bleeding around week 5, @ 6 weeks is when we discovered the other's heart stopped beating. (the reason they only tested one) To some I realize this may sound or be morbid but to us it's a huge triumph!!

The short term plan is to go back and have more blood work done in the next few weeks.. they did find one abnormality with me but it can be corrected with medication!!

The long term plan is still to wait a few months before "trying" again, if not longer to let my body rest.. not to mention get a litte peace of mind!! At first it sounded so good, take a few months off, relax, go on vacation, enjoy summer... but the time sure does creep when you're so ready..

I continue to pray for peace, patience, guideance, and answers!!

GOD IS IN CONTROL, we are not!!! I have to remind myself of this daily....

Happy Mother's Day

Although I am not able to celebrate this day with my own child/ren, I am so fortunate to have a mother & MIL who love me unconditionally!!

Words can't describe the relationship my mom and I have.. when I say she's my best friend, I truly mean it!! I talk to her at least twice a day, sometimes more.. She has always been my biggest fan and #1 supporter with everything I've ever done in life. I know I've aged her with some of my decisions I made along the way.. When I think back to some of the scenarios I put her in, I cringe!! She never once gave up on me, whether it was friends, boyfriends, school, etc.. Over the past three years we've been through more personally & financially than we ever imagined!! She gave up her time to be with me, hold my hand, look at things she hasn't seen since I was a baby, help take care of Avery, pay for meals, send encouraging cards, take time off work, you name it, she's done it!! I don't always open up and talk about my feelings, I get that from my dad.. it drives my mom nuts, I know she worries about me!! That's what moms do right??

My MIL is always one phone call away, whether it's to talk, be at the hospital, or just catch up.. We don't get to see her near enough with Ben and her both being in school.. but when we do it's like no time has lapsed at all!! Thank you Mary Ann for loving me like your own and treating me like a daughter!!


Happy Mother's Day!!

Dixie Darlins

It's that time of year again, Laci is playing softball!! It's amazing watching the difference a year makes and how much the girls actually pick up the game.. Laci is playing first base and catching and making a lot of outs!! She's also slugging the ball like crazy!! They play a few games a week and I look forward every time to watching her!! Megan is in a stage where she has to be in the mood to get her picture taken and on this day she wasn't having it!! So here are a couple of Laci and Brynn!!!

boooooooorrrrrrrrriiiinggggggg!!

When my brother Wesley would be bored growing up he would yell at the top of his lungs "BOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIINNNNGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!" It's something we all do occasionally to make us laugh!! Of course this long word was followed by my mom threatening to put a broom in his hand!! I haven't blogged anything with substance in quite some time.. truth is, not much has gone on to blog about?!! I have been working longer hours than ever, which is good for business!! Ben is neck high with school, studying, and working when he can. All of those things mixed with fertility treatments = one boring/tired couple!! I hope one day soon to be able to write a happily ever after post but for now this is our reality. I wouldn't trade it for anything!! Of course if I could snap my fingers and be pregnant with a healthy baby I would, let's be honest. But for whatever reason that's not where we're at right now. Since it's just Ben and I (plus Avery who is so laid back it's like she's not here) we have extra time to love on our nieces!! If you've read my blog at all you know how special they are to us. Amber told me a few weeks ago that when the big girls pray at night they pray for auntie to have a baby. Megan prayed a specific prayer not long ago that went something like this... "I pray for auntie to have a baby and for it not to go to Heaven." How pure, sweet, & innocent!!! Of course I got a knot in my throat when Amber told me this for many reasons.. then it hit me that at 4 years old we're able to teach Megan (& Laci at 6) about Jesus and Heaven. I can't find many positives about losing a baby/child/loved one but if our story can change a life, or bring someone to know Jesus than it's worth it. That's a tough pill to swallow but we believe it wholeheartedly!!
Some close friends and family know the details of what we're going through with our infertility journey, others just know we're struggling. I promise one day to pour my heart out with this journey!! For now I ask that you pray.. pray for patience, courage, strength, FAITH, and for Gods will to be done in our lives.