Ben and I got home from Branson Sunday afternoon.. I was hoping we would be home before four o'clock because at Ballard Funeral Home they had a memorial service for those that have passed away this year. I wanted to be there to honor my papaw Grant.. It was neat to look around the room and know we were in the company of others that were honoring ones they loved and lost. What I wasn't prepared for were the emotions that took over me. There was a speaker that did an amazing job, I wish I had what he said on video.. I felt like he was talking directly to me with everything that we've been through. I tried to push my emotions and the lump in my throat away, far far away!! There was also a solo that was beautiful.. That solo was followed by a lighting ceremony that was very touching. As each candle was lit we were told to say the name of the one(s) we were honoring. I must admit I haven't said "papaw Grant" aloud since he went to be with Jesus. It was much harder than I anticipated.. at the same time I was so proud to say his name and pass the light on!! When all the candles were lit they played a song.. I can't tell you what song because at that point I lost it!! I was overwhelmed with emtions.. all those feelings I was pushing away in the beginning came out, in full force!! I actually had to get up and walk out.. I couldn't handle it, I didn't want to go back to that place. That place being, what we no longer have with us!! I am not one to show my emtions much to anyone, especially in public. I'm not a poker player but if I was I "bet" I'd have a great face!! It's not a pride thing, I can't explain why I'm the way I am.. I find I try to be tough for those around me, to let them know I'm okay?! Ballard did such an amazing job at putting together a service that was so special for those that have lost loved ones. This holiday season is a first of many get togethers without our beloved papaw Grant.. Thanksgiving was bitter sweet, we lit papaw's burn barrell and enjoyed just being together!! Papaw told his doctors and nurses that he had too much to live for to be sick.. I know that he's looking down on us, proud of his newest great granddaughter Brynn, looking forwad to the wedding of Katie & Jace, & seeing us be together as a family!!
I've been struggling lately with a lot of questions for God.. It took me a while to talk to him (as silly as that sounds) after losing this baby. I'm reading and reseaching many aspects of prayer.. I could write a book on all the questions I have. It's amazing what your mind does to you when you go through turmoil. I've said many times before that there have been positives come out of our trials. I think, what if we wouldn't of gone through these heartaches, what if everything would of been easy... would I of ever learned the lessons I have thus far?? My faith has and continues to be tested like never before!! I have questions that I'm ashamed to ask because it sounds as though I question my faith. I am a OCD person and need to know the why's of everything!!! I'm fortunate to have my dad and be able to bounce questions off of him.. he's recently given me a book to read that I'm praying will answer many of my nagging questions about prayer, God, & the future. Pleae pray for Ben and I as we continue every day and look for God's purpose in our lives..