Sunday, January 23, 2011

random tears

Have you ever had one of those days where everything makes you cry?? I'm actually on day two of this and have no root cause.. I had lunch with my mom today, like I do most Sundays and we were talking about something and I randomly lost it.. She of course, tried to comfort me and told me I have many reasons to feel this way. It's odd though, I'm not sad about any one specific thing.. not thinking of Weslee or this last baby we lost, friends with hardships, work, trying to get pregnant, ect.. I'm blaming it on hormones, I swear they haven't been right since I had surgery in November. I've also had a nagging headache (which I never get) the last two days.. again, I'm blaming hormones. I honestly don't have much stress in my life. I have a husband who goes to school full time, works on his days off, and loves me unconditionally!! My family is always a phone call away, I talk to them each at least once a day!! Friends who are willing to listen to me 24/7!! A job I honestly enjoy going to each day!! So what's my problem???? I am on new medicine since this last surgery but last month it gave me no problems?? I feel as though I'm trying to talk out my emotions, get to the root of the issue(s)?? I've mentioned before that I do a lot of reading, especially when I don't understand something.. here are some of my favorite passages from a couple of the books:

"A weathered old man once described to me his understanding of surrender. He said that he had a mean, grisly cat that wasn't afraid to use his claws and teeth. Every once in a while, the cat would get into some mischief outdoors and need a good bath. My friend would fill up the kitchen sink with warm, sudsy water, grab the cat, and dunk him in. The cat would hiss and claw and refuse to surrender to the bath. But the cat's reaction really didn't matter, because it would get a bath either way. I am inclined to believe that we are in a similar situation as we wait for a child: we can either hiss or claw or surrender, but the outcome will remain the same regardless."

"We can't understand why God would refuse to give us a child right away if He has a plan to make us parents. Perhaps the greatest challenge to our faith is accepting the mystery of God's ways and His timing. We know that He is able - praise the Lord! But while it's easy to celebrate His power, it can be hard to celebrate His timing. And yet His timing remains as critical to His plan as His power. We have to accept them both as evidence of His love for us."

"God works unexpected miracles in unanticipated ways. He assures you of a happy ending, of overflowing joy in your life no matter how He chooses to answer your requests."

"Most of my struggles in the Christian life circle around the same two themes: why God doesn't act the way we want God to, and why I don't act the way God wants me to. Prayer is the precise point where those themes converge."

As you can probably gather the two things I've been researching lately are prayer and longing to have children. In our situation I can see where your first thought would be, sure she's sad, she wants children, has lost two and is having trouble conceiving.. Although that is true I have a peace and patience about our future. I guess I've learned that over the past two years. In the past I would get so discouraged every time that test said negative. I don't find that to be the issue this time around.. Praise God and I hope this peace continues throughout our journey. Prayer is one of those things you're taught to do from a young age.. I've prayed my whole life and never questioned why we do it. It took me 26 years to finally break down and ask, why do we pray?? If God has a perfect plan for each of our lives then why do we pray, how do we know if our prayers changed the situation or if that's what God has planned the whole time?? I don't think I would of ever questioned this if we hadn't' been through the trials we have... When life is going well, things are smooth in your life, you tend to pray and praise God more often. I have had a lot of guilt over feeling this way or even questioning the power of prayer. I've talked with my dad about this and he's given me great literature to read.. I was hoping he would have a simple answer for me, like _______ is the reason you pray. It's not that simple though.. I'm reading and trying to learn all I can on this issue. Please don't think I don't believe in prayer because I do and I do it often!! I just feel there's more to it and I am searching for answers to make me that much closer to God!! I don't want to ever question His timing or His ways, I want to believe whole heartily!! I've not told many people about my questions related to prayer because I feel guilty for even questioning it.. Then I thought, what if others have these questions, I can't be alone!! I hope you don't judge me for my honesty, but pray that I will get the answers I'm searching for.
I used to pray for children, then I'd pray for one healthy child, now I pray for Gods will to be done in my life.
Obviously, I'm all over the place tonight with my thoughts.. welcome to my world!! If the devil doesn't make you bad, he'll make you busy!! Although I'm not physically busy doing something he's got my mind working all the time.
I find comfort is knowing that I'm not alone, no matter what situation I'm going through. If nothing else, I hope this post can comfort others to know that it's okay to ask questions and be real!!


Jamie said...

I have never comment before but I came across your blog several months ago. Your post really hit home with me and you are not alone in any way. I can relate to the questioning of the power of prayer. I can relate to the millions of thoughts that fill your mind everyday and I also know how you feel to lose a child way to soon, however I was only 8 weeks when I miscarried. Know that your not alone and no judgment is made. Take care of yourself and take advantage of your loving husband and supportive family. Thank you for sharing :)



Will you please share any helpful books you find? I really need to do a prayer study as well, but I don't know of any good literature. You're in my prayers, Sarah!

color me emerald said...

romans 5:3-5
you can do this :)

Jennifer said...

I'm not sure what you have read recently but a good book I read on prayer in college was by Philip Yancy and it's called, "Prayer: Does it make any difference"

Praying for you!

Jess said...

I had read your blog for awhile now, since you were expecting Weslee. I don't think I've ever commented.
Prayer is a powerful thing but yet I question it too. We have infertility problems. It took us 2 years, and 2 miscarriages to get my almost 2 year old daughter. Now, we are trying for another. I've prayed beyond prayed for others who want a child including you, and then I pray for myself. I was hoping it'd work. It hasn't. Yet, my friends 16 year old niece is pregnant along with 28 other people that I know. I keep thinking when is it going to be my turn??? It's hard to understand His ways. I've learned though that if we wait He shows us why He is doing what He is doing in others lives. It's hard and unfair but we have to wait always to see what He has in store for us.
I'm glad you have such a great support system! Thanks for sharing, it is good to know that I'm not the only one out their who questions the power of prayer.Good luck! I'll be saying some prayers for you tonight!

Lilly, Reid, Matt, and Sara said...

Praying you find the answers you are looking for!

Shelli Robertson said...

Thank you so much sharing!! Your sweet family is in my prayers. Just sharing a quote from my husbands sermon on's on prayer...

"Prayer does not change God, but it changes him who prays."
- Soren Kierkegaard

Mizell Family said...

Thank you all for your kind words, you have NO idea how much it means to me!! The book I am reading on prayer right now is "Prayer - Does It Make Any Difference" by Philip Yancey.. it's been a very easy read and I'm gaining some great insight!! Please continue to pray for my husband and I as we search for answers in our daily walk with God...