I have not been a good blogger for a few weeks now... (let's be honest, I've never been on top of my game with blogging) To be honest these past few weeks have been filled with ups and down.. I find myself wanting to blog but it's usually when my heart is heavy and I need to spill my emotions. The last thing I want is to be a "debbie downer" so I try not to overload you with "poor Sarah." Do not get me wrong.. My life is beyond amazing and I'm surrounded by people who love me, have a great job, husband, dog, family, and friends (in no particular order)...
Two weeks ago today I had surgery, I did not blog about this and many of my own personal friends don't even know. Since delivering Weslee and given the okay medically Ben and I have been trying to have another baby. After six months we started meeting with a fertility specialist.. I've been poked & prodded many times over the past few months.. I get asked all the time, "when are you going to have another baby, are you trying, etc." I do not mind answering that question, I am guilty of asking the same thing.. I will blog more about the specifics of our journey thus far when my heart is ready..
I've found myself on multiple occasions telling God that we should not be dealing with infertility, we should be loving on our 6 month old daughter, Weslee.. that is one of the biggest internal battles I have with myself.. I also still question what happened, was it something I did?? Why anencephaly?? Medically there is no known cause and as a nurse I know that. But as a mom, her mom I think I will always question "what went wrong"..
As for now, it helps me emotionally to know we have a plan. (knowing that it's really not up to us at all) I am someone that LOVES details and I'm an avid blog stalker.. I promise to write about our journey soon!! Please pray for Ben and I as we continue to walk down this road that is so foreign to us.. not to mention stressful and expensive. I'm reading Plan B right now by Pete Wilson, it's an amazing book thus far.. although it's a book, for me it's a daily devotional.
Ben is now working 12 hr shifts a couple times a week.. I love that because he's home with Avery and I a lot!! Today is one of those days where he's working and I am here thinking... I walk in and out of the baby room, move things around only to change them back, look in my closet @ all the tiny onsies and few maternity clothes I had... the more I write the more I feel like that "debbie downer" I described above.. I hope you don't see this as poor me but me being real. I used to pray that God would give us a healthy baby.. I now pray that He opens our hearts and minds for whatever His desire is for us.
We're called to be faithful to God, even when it seems he hasn't been faithful to us. We're called to love him, even when we feel abandoned. We're called to look for him, even in the midst of the darkness. We're call to worship him, even through our tears - Pete Wilson, Plan B