Valentine's Day 2011

Ben and I have never been huge fans of Valentine's Day.. to both of us it's just another day but one you're supposed to do something nice for your significant other. We both believe every day should be special.. giving me something on the one day you're supposed to doesn't seem special.. With all of that said I came home on Valentine's Day from working a long day to have dinner cooked and ready when I walked in!! This isn't unlike Ben but it was a surprise and I was very grateful!!

Also, a few days ago I came home from yet another long day of dealing with patients to find that Ben dusted and vacuumed!!!! He is always willing to help when I'm cleaning but I'm so OCD I'd rather do it myself.. He doesn't complain :) so anytime I come home to find something done without me asking is so refreshing!!

I love my husband and all he does for our family!!

more medicine = more money!!

I am happy to announce that my husband and I are both on the down hill slide.. his antibiotic plus OTC medicines seem to be working!! I am now on a stronger antibiotic myself and feeling 10X better!! When it rains it pours I swear.. first Avery gets a bladder infection, I have to go to the doctor (which never happens) get a chest x-ray, & Ben gets strep throat!! (have I mentioned that each of the above costs money)

When Ben and I bought our house I was working where I am now and he had a good business/marketing job. We both had nice vehicles we were proud to drive and lived well. That comfort of living changed when Ben lost his job a few years ago.. not only did he lose his job but we had to make some major life decisions about our future. Ben was never truly happy in any of his business/marketing type jobs. His major going into the U of A @ Fayetteville was pre-med.. he said once he got his syllabus, at age 18 he quickly changed that major!! Looking back he's kicking himself for not sticking with it because he would of excelled!! After much soul searching and talk with family he decided to take a job at the ER as a tech.. Nursing school was an option on the table for him.. We figured being a tech would be a great indicator if it was for him or not.. He absolutely LOVED it; poop, throw up, mean doctors/nurses, wonderful doctors/nurses, crazy patients, etc!! So he signed up and started nursing school.. Since he didn't have many pre requisites required for RN school it made more sense for him to go through LPN school then fast track for a year to get his RN. Since his ACT was more than 10 years old he had to retake that.. he was surprised to make higher at age 30 than he did right out of high school. Since he did do so well he was able to take pre-req's along with LPN school. He graduated last June and has worked in the ER as a LPN since.. He started RN school in January and just finished the first go around with a 92%!! He will graduate in December and continue working in the ER or possibly the ICU.. He amazes me with every test or paperwork that has to be done for school. He takes great pride in his work and wants to do his best!! All that to say that since he's been in school our comfortable way of living took a hit.. We found out we were pregnant with Weslee during this transition as well. We both sold our cars and downsized to something that made more sense for our new financial situation. Ben goes to school Tuesday-Friday and works 12 hours shifts on Saturday and Sunday. Monday being his only day to sleep in and relax.. which he ends up using to study extra!! We are so proud of our house and it's a great home to start a family in. We decided we wanted to live scarcely to be able to keep our home. Our church is doing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which is a great guide. Unfortunately with Ben's school/work schedule we were not able to commit to a class. I do have the Cd's and I am looking forward to listening and learning how to be good stewards of our money. We are on a good routine of knowing when to expect our bills and how much they will be, groceries, etc... it's when someone gets sick, needs medicine, car breaks down, trying to have a baby, vet bills, etc. that it stings. So like I said above, when it rains it pours!! I tell any one who asks, it's a means to an end!! There is light at the end of the tunnel and the hard work both Ben and I put in will pay off!!
You may be thinking, if you're living so tightly why in the world would you want to bring a baby into this world?? GREAT QUESTION.. We know that we can and will make it work.. We know God will see us through whatever trials we may face - good or bad!!

I know it could be so much worse.. we've been at much lower points in our lives but through it all we've come out stronger on the other side!! We're enjoying this time in our lives with each other and new beginnings, whatever those may be....

sick of being sick

I haven't blogged in some time.. I wish I had a good excuse but I don't. We've endured some major snow here in central Arkansas over the past few weeks which was a change. Now, one week later it's in the upper 60's.. only in Arkansas!!

I have been under the weather the past week or so... I NEVER get sick. Typically I get a bad cold once a year that requires a shot in the rear and antibiotics along with some type of bronchitis. It never requires me to miss work or stop functioning I just feel blah.. Typically this always hits me in the fall, right before Christmas.. this one decided to wait until now and I'm on day 7 of antibiotics + a steroid shot and I'm still congested and hacking!! To top it off Ben's throat started hurting a few days ago which led to him feeling terrible!! They've seen a lot of strep in the ER so I self diagnosed him and put him on an antibiotic.. (who has time to go to the doctor??) he's slowly starting to feel better.. tough part is, he's in nursing school and cannot miss!! He had his last test today before they have their spring break next week so the timing worked out..

Speaking of nursing school, he's excelling like he always does!! Can't believe he'll be done in December.. it can't get here fast enough!!!

I'm waiting on a return call from the doctor to see what else we can do to get my illness under control.. we've got a lot coming in the next few weeks and I need to be healthy!!!!

My mom, Hannah (Wes's girlfriend), and Mrs. Jodi are in Atlanta visiting Wes this weekend. When they get back I'll steal some of Hanny's pictures to put up!!

n.b.d.p.s.

Confused as to the title of this post??

That's how I felt when Ben handed me the mail earlier this week and there was a packet addressed to me with those letters on the front. As I opened the packet I soon realized what those letters stood for: National Birth Defects Prevention Study. WHAT?? After much thought and letting the packet sit on the coffee table I've come to realize that it's not a bad thing. I must admit, I was immediately offended when I realized what the packet was about. How could someone send this to me knowing what we went through. The last thing I want to do is think back on our experience and use the words "birth defect." When we think of Weslee we think of our daughter who was perfect in so many ways!! I've picked the packet up here and there reading little bits at a time.. It really is a good thing they're trying to do. They do not know what causes so many birth defects and anencephaly is one of those. I don't know if having an answer to why this happens would of helped or not but if they can figure out how to prevent it I'm all for it!!

There's still not a day that I don't think about our daughter and the "what ifs".. Ben and I would give anything to have our daughter here with us!! In that same breath though we know she is in Heaven surrounded by perfection!!

We will forever have reminders of our Weslee and the short time we had with her!!

Go Wes!!

I don't mention my brother much on the blog.. not because I don't love him but because he's 9 hours away in Atlanta and we don't get to see him near enough!! He's on a baseball scholarship for the D1 Georgia State Panthers!! When spring finally rolls around we make frequent trips to see him and I'll have plenty of information/pictures then!! We have such a competitive family and are all around pretty athletic. We are so proud of Wes and how much effort he puts towards his pitching!! He is a left handed pitcher which are hard to come by.. but he had a rough ending this last year.. the following is the school baseball website which featured a story on Wesley...

http://www.georgiastatesports.com/SportSelect.dbml?DB_OEM_ID=12700&SPID=5651&SPSID=53506

We love you uncle Wes and couldn't be more proud of you!! We're already making plans for weekend trips and can't wait to see you back in action!!

(We think Wesley is pretty special... we did after all name our first born after him - Weslee)

not alone - thank you

Thank you all for your comments on my last post, it feels so good to know that I'm not alone!! In so many ways I feel so "not normal".. what is normal anyways??? My husband and I have been put in circumstances that have been anything but normal the past few years. I go to bed so many nights with such a heavy heart, I wake up thinking.. this isn't my life!! Then I find myself feeling guilty.. why am I so heavy hearted?? I have a life and family that most long for!! I hope I never bring anyone down with my thoughts.. I know it could be so much worse, I am thankful for what we've achieved and what we have!!

Please continue to pray for Ben and I as we strive to find the answers we're looking for and live out Gods will for our lives.

(Some of you have asked and right now I am reading "Prayer - Does It Make Any Difference" by Philip Yancey. It's an easy read and I'm gaining some great insight)

random tears

Have you ever had one of those days where everything makes you cry?? I'm actually on day two of this and have no root cause.. I had lunch with my mom today, like I do most Sundays and we were talking about something and I randomly lost it.. She of course, tried to comfort me and told me I have many reasons to feel this way. It's odd though, I'm not sad about any one specific thing.. not thinking of Weslee or this last baby we lost, friends with hardships, work, trying to get pregnant, ect.. I'm blaming it on hormones, I swear they haven't been right since I had surgery in November. I've also had a nagging headache (which I never get) the last two days.. again, I'm blaming hormones. I honestly don't have much stress in my life. I have a husband who goes to school full time, works on his days off, and loves me unconditionally!! My family is always a phone call away, I talk to them each at least once a day!! Friends who are willing to listen to me 24/7!! A job I honestly enjoy going to each day!! So what's my problem???? I am on new medicine since this last surgery but last month it gave me no problems?? I feel as though I'm trying to talk out my emotions, get to the root of the issue(s)?? I've mentioned before that I do a lot of reading, especially when I don't understand something.. here are some of my favorite passages from a couple of the books:

"A weathered old man once described to me his understanding of surrender. He said that he had a mean, grisly cat that wasn't afraid to use his claws and teeth. Every once in a while, the cat would get into some mischief outdoors and need a good bath. My friend would fill up the kitchen sink with warm, sudsy water, grab the cat, and dunk him in. The cat would hiss and claw and refuse to surrender to the bath. But the cat's reaction really didn't matter, because it would get a bath either way. I am inclined to believe that we are in a similar situation as we wait for a child: we can either hiss or claw or surrender, but the outcome will remain the same regardless."

"We can't understand why God would refuse to give us a child right away if He has a plan to make us parents. Perhaps the greatest challenge to our faith is accepting the mystery of God's ways and His timing. We know that He is able - praise the Lord! But while it's easy to celebrate His power, it can be hard to celebrate His timing. And yet His timing remains as critical to His plan as His power. We have to accept them both as evidence of His love for us."

"God works unexpected miracles in unanticipated ways. He assures you of a happy ending, of overflowing joy in your life no matter how He chooses to answer your requests."

"Most of my struggles in the Christian life circle around the same two themes: why God doesn't act the way we want God to, and why I don't act the way God wants me to. Prayer is the precise point where those themes converge."

As you can probably gather the two things I've been researching lately are prayer and longing to have children. In our situation I can see where your first thought would be, sure she's sad, she wants children, has lost two and is having trouble conceiving.. Although that is true I have a peace and patience about our future. I guess I've learned that over the past two years. In the past I would get so discouraged every time that test said negative. I don't find that to be the issue this time around.. Praise God and I hope this peace continues throughout our journey. Prayer is one of those things you're taught to do from a young age.. I've prayed my whole life and never questioned why we do it. It took me 26 years to finally break down and ask, why do we pray?? If God has a perfect plan for each of our lives then why do we pray, how do we know if our prayers changed the situation or if that's what God has planned the whole time?? I don't think I would of ever questioned this if we hadn't' been through the trials we have... When life is going well, things are smooth in your life, you tend to pray and praise God more often. I have had a lot of guilt over feeling this way or even questioning the power of prayer. I've talked with my dad about this and he's given me great literature to read.. I was hoping he would have a simple answer for me, like _______ is the reason you pray. It's not that simple though.. I'm reading and trying to learn all I can on this issue. Please don't think I don't believe in prayer because I do and I do it often!! I just feel there's more to it and I am searching for answers to make me that much closer to God!! I don't want to ever question His timing or His ways, I want to believe whole heartily!! I've not told many people about my questions related to prayer because I feel guilty for even questioning it.. Then I thought, what if others have these questions, I can't be alone!! I hope you don't judge me for my honesty, but pray that I will get the answers I'm searching for.
I used to pray for children, then I'd pray for one healthy child, now I pray for Gods will to be done in my life.
Obviously, I'm all over the place tonight with my thoughts.. welcome to my world!! If the devil doesn't make you bad, he'll make you busy!! Although I'm not physically busy doing something he's got my mind working all the time.
I find comfort is knowing that I'm not alone, no matter what situation I'm going through. If nothing else, I hope this post can comfort others to know that it's okay to ask questions and be real!!