Have you ever been down in the dumps about one thing or another??
I've mentioned vaguely that Ben and I are suffering with infertility. We're still not at a place where we feel comfortable opening up about all the details... and believe me, there are a ton!! Since meeting with the fertility specialist there has been a plan after leaving each appointment. Being OCD, a nurse, and perfectionist in many aspects of my life plans make me smile; like lists!! Since my surgery the plan has stalled and it is a waiting game.. I know I'm hyper sensitive when friends, family, total strangers announce they're pregnant. It's like my ears are perked up for that word?? I've always had and still have a genuine happiness for these people. Of course deep down I am bitter.. not at the person that's pregnant just at our situation. I've said over and over and over................ I KNOW that God has a plan for every one's life!! If I didn't truly believe that I couldn't get through each day. Just because I believe and I know His word is true doesn't mean I don't struggle. I'm learning patience now more than ever and my faith is growing stronger each and every day. Today was one of those days I was blog stalking and came across a friend of a friend who's pregnant. This particular family has also gone through the loss of a child and I couldn't be more happy for them!! I quickly got off the computer as my eyes filled with tears. I can't explain the feeling that came over me. I feel that I've done so well over the past few months.. waiting and listening for what God has to say and what He's going to do. For some reason today all of my emotions spilled out. I find that I break down in the most random times and places because of the most random things.. my tears today were of pure bliss for this family.. yet they turned into, why God - why!!!! I should add that today my doctor left the office early, the office mgr was sick and the secretary left at noon. I had from about 12-4 to myself. What's neat is that right after I turned the computer off Ben walks in.. I'm sure when he walked in my office he wanted to back right out. He hates when I cry and doesn't know what to say, which is true of many men. He told me that he was supposed to worry and I was the strong one. Whether that statement is true or not, it did make me laugh. We're such opposites yet are so perfect for each other!! Ben had to go back to work and after I did some busy work I decided to look @ Facebook. I saw that I had a message and proceeded to read it.. This person, whom I do not know had heard about our story from a nurse @ the surgery center we work at. She proceeded to tell me that she saw the same fertility specialist I did and that I WAS NOT ALONE. How in the world did that message come today, just when I needed it!! It sounds so silly that words from a stranger was just what I needed to hear. Of course I know that we're not alone, yet so many days it feels like it. People still ask me, almost on a daily basis if we're going to have another baby. They mean well but I want to scream WE'RE TRYING!! Never would I have imagined going down this road; it sure is bumpy!! My lifelong goal has always been to be a mommy. That goal was reached when I became pregnant with our daughter Weslee in June 2009. Although she did not live on this earth I am still her mom and am proud to tell her story.
The point of this blog post?? great question...
My intentions were to simply tell how a total stranger made a huge impact on my life today. Somehow I ended up writing a novel.
Please continue to pray for Ben and I as we take each day at a time.
As my dad would say, "Everyday's a good day, some day's are just better than others"