Wednesday, September 1, 2010

timing

Have you ever been down in the dumps about one thing or another??

I've mentioned vaguely that Ben and I are suffering with infertility. We're still not at a place where we feel comfortable opening up about all the details... and believe me, there are a ton!! Since meeting with the fertility specialist there has been a plan after leaving each appointment. Being OCD, a nurse, and perfectionist in many aspects of my life plans make me smile; like lists!! Since my surgery the plan has stalled and it is a waiting game.. I know I'm hyper sensitive when friends, family, total strangers announce they're pregnant. It's like my ears are perked up for that word?? I've always had and still have a genuine happiness for these people. Of course deep down I am bitter.. not at the person that's pregnant just at our situation. I've said over and over and over................ I KNOW that God has a plan for every one's life!! If I didn't truly believe that I couldn't get through each day. Just because I believe and I know His word is true doesn't mean I don't struggle. I'm learning patience now more than ever and my faith is growing stronger each and every day. Today was one of those days I was blog stalking and came across a friend of a friend who's pregnant. This particular family has also gone through the loss of a child and I couldn't be more happy for them!! I quickly got off the computer as my eyes filled with tears. I can't explain the feeling that came over me. I feel that I've done so well over the past few months.. waiting and listening for what God has to say and what He's going to do. For some reason today all of my emotions spilled out. I find that I break down in the most random times and places because of the most random things.. my tears today were of pure bliss for this family.. yet they turned into, why God - why!!!! I should add that today my doctor left the office early, the office mgr was sick and the secretary left at noon. I had from about 12-4 to myself. What's neat is that right after I turned the computer off Ben walks in.. I'm sure when he walked in my office he wanted to back right out. He hates when I cry and doesn't know what to say, which is true of many men. He told me that he was supposed to worry and I was the strong one. Whether that statement is true or not, it did make me laugh. We're such opposites yet are so perfect for each other!! Ben had to go back to work and after I did some busy work I decided to look @ Facebook. I saw that I had a message and proceeded to read it.. This person, whom I do not know had heard about our story from a nurse @ the surgery center we work at. She proceeded to tell me that she saw the same fertility specialist I did and that I WAS NOT ALONE. How in the world did that message come today, just when I needed it!! It sounds so silly that words from a stranger was just what I needed to hear. Of course I know that we're not alone, yet so many days it feels like it. People still ask me, almost on a daily basis if we're going to have another baby. They mean well but I want to scream WE'RE TRYING!! Never would I have imagined going down this road; it sure is bumpy!! My lifelong goal has always been to be a mommy. That goal was reached when I became pregnant with our daughter Weslee in June 2009. Although she did not live on this earth I am still her mom and am proud to tell her story.

The point of this blog post?? great question...

My intentions were to simply tell how a total stranger made a huge impact on my life today. Somehow I ended up writing a novel.

Please continue to pray for Ben and I as we take each day at a time.

As my dad would say, "Everyday's a good day, some day's are just better than others"

4 comments:

Julee Turner said...

I could have written this exact same post many times in the last year and half! You are not alone at all! I hate that we have that bitter feeling towards friends, family and strangers that are pregnant! Its just not fair! Thinking of you often and hoping for peace and happiness for us soon!

Lilly, Reid, Matt, and Sara said...

Hold fast...we are praying!

Kristi said...

You are not alone! Although it feels that way most of the time, and inless you have walked that long lonely depressing road of infertility you don't quite understand. I have been down it, and was in that lonely depressing stage for what seemed a lifetime, 3 long years. And even though you probably won't find my comment to be encouraging, God's timing is the best. I use to get aggravated when people would tell me that, because it was like that was just something they could say to fill the silence, but when that time came, I quickly realized they were all correct. Just because I am now a mother, doesn't mean I don't struggle daily with this. I still find myself jealous when couples announce they are pregnant because they were able to get that way so easily. I pray daily for all the couples struggling, and often times find myself questioning "Why me, God?" Why did you choose me to bless and not the others hurting in this world. Just know you aren't alone and you are on that long lonely road but God knows the right time. By the way I am not sure what doctor you are seeing but I saw Dr. Batres.

Two Girls and a Guy! said...

I have to say, I do not like it when my friends hurt. I know that God will bless you with a baby very soon. His timiing is right. I felt so guilty and so scared when I became pregnant with Boston meanwhile my sister who was trying and pumping her body with medicine and here is her sister who just poof. Got pregnant.It was a huge rush of guilt and heartache ( not what you want to feel when you first get pregnant) I could not be more thankful for Boston and never knew how much she 'saved' Chris and I and helped us grow as people and as partners, but it isnt fair, and my heart aches for you and once again I am in tears for you. I know it wont make the pain go away but it definately shows that timing IS everything. God might have an exact reason for this and we never know what it is until we meet him. I dont have any words of wisdom to give you , just know that I am praying for you and dont pressure yourself and stop listening to people asking those questions. I know people are curious but it is hard to be sensitive and be curious and it can feel very frustrating. So just take it with a grain of salt. I have been saying lately for things I have been praying about that "it has been given to me, or answered for me, just not right in front of my eyes!" because he gives us those requests! I love you lots!!