Monday, March 8, 2010

How to feel??

So tomorrow is the day I've been dreading since delivering Weslee in October... for tomorrow, March 9 was her due date. I have wondered many times how I would feel when the day actually arrived. To be honest I'm not sure?? I go from happy - sad - mad - proud - repeat!!

It's amazing how much you can love someone you never really knew!!

I wish so badly that I was working, anxiously awaiting when & where my water would break.. I always imagined it happening in the OR in the middle of a case - haha

We know by seeing her that she would've looked like her daddy!!

(I realize I'm babbling and going from thought to thought but that's the emotional roller coaster ride I'm on right now)

I think about Weslee every day so tomorrow isn't all that different, at least I'm trying not to make it. It basically just brings all my emotions to the surface, which I know is normal.

While I'm sitting here typing this I'm wanting so badly to hold our daughter. She's in Heaven without a worry in the world!! I should be jealous of her, not sad!!

I would be lying if I said I wasn't fearful about future pregnancies.. I know the statistics & they're very low of having another anencepahlic baby. But they were even lower with Weslee.... I'm reading a book right now about a family who lost three children to three different causes.. she states, "It's sad how easy it is to learn firsthand of God's love, care, and provision and then turn around and momentarily forget it all for the sake of fear."

"God hath not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." (II Timothy 1:7)

"Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your request be made known unto God, and the peace of God which passeth all understanding shall keep your hearts and mind through Christ Jesus." (Phil. 4:6-7)

I ask that you say a special prayer for Ben, myself, and our families... we're so lucky to have such a great support system, not only in each other & family but with wonderful friends!!

We're truly blessed!!

7 comments:

The Wilson's said...

you are in my prayers tonight, and tomorrow! I will be thinking about you all day!

Kelley said...

I don't know you, but I check in on you regularly. I pray for you every night as I put my son to bed. Tonight was no different :) May God fill you with more and more of Him moment by moment, may your grief bring you healing, and may He give you grace and strength in abundance. With love, one of your sisters in Christ~
Kelley

Lilly, Matt, and Sara said...

Girl you guys have been on my mind and in my prayers ALL day long. Praying for extra comfort and strength for you guys tomorrow.

Bridget said...

I came across your blog through Katie. I was blown away by your entry today! I, too, had a stillborn baby boy at 20 weeks on 10/24/07. He was due on March 3, 2008.

I can tell you that the "big" days were not harder than an ordinary Monday in the middle of June. (By big days, I mean due date, birthday, etc). 2 1/2 years later, I'm still brought to my knees when I least expect it.

Life is not fair! What the whole experience taught me was that God is in control. No matter what we want here on earth, there is already a plan for each one of us. I still don't understand why I had to go through the devastation of losing Wade but find some comfort in knowing that God has a reason.

May you find some peace in knowing that each day of sorrow will hopefully soon be replaced by good memories.

Jennifer said...

Thinking about you and praying for you today!

Katie said...

Sarah, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I'm thinking and praying for you and Ben today.

Weslee is so proud of her sweet mom and dad. ; )

Michelle said...

I just wanted you to know that I had stumbled across your blog many months ago and I have been following you ever since. I have never commented before, but I check in on you weekly. I am praying for you tomorrow and every day. I think you are an incredibly brave person...although you may have moments where all kinds of emotions overwhelm you, it is evident that you have put your trust in the Lord and that you are letting Him carry you through the hardest of time. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and praying for you!