2010 comes to an end...

I have a few hours to get this post completed before the new year.. I can't believe it's almost 2011, where has the time gone?? When I think back to what all this year has brought to my family, I find myself thinking... random word choice I know but to be honest our lives have been filled with so many ups and downs I have to stop and take a deep breath!! We were thrilled to find out my sister, Amber was pregnant at the beginning of the year, had a wonderful beach vacation, Ben finished LPN school, becoming pregnant with baby #2, papaw Grant battling cancer, Ben getting accepted to RN school, learning our baby's heart stopped beating for no reason, surgery, papaw Grant going to Heaven, the birth of my healthy beautiful niece Brynn, a get away to Christmas shop, topped off with spending CHRISTmas with both sides of our families!! Those are the highlights, the ones that had the biggest impact on my year. I've said many times and I'll say it again.. we've learned from each situation, the good and the bad!! I've had many people tell me, next year will be better... I know this is meant as an encouragement but my first thought (which I keep to myself) is, "yea that's what we were told in 2009 too when we lost Weslee." If you know me personally that wont surprise you.. my mouth filter doesn't function properly :) BUT that's my first thought, I do not really go into each year discouraged or wondering, what now?? It would be very easy to do so but I can't help but to be hopeful and look forward to each experience that lies ahead for us!! My #1 goal (wish) for 2011 would be to welcome a healthy baby into this world of our own or I'll settle with just being pregnant :) I know that wish is beyond our control, but without faith and thinking positively how could we keep going?? A goal that is however in my control is to lose weight.. Ben set his mind to losing weight back in August and to date he's lost 30lbs!! He started running every day and watching what he ate and how much. I must admit I was even working out for a while... (nothing like him though) but after we lost this baby we both slacked off. He has kept his weight off and looks great, me on the other hand.. I've probably got 10-15lbs of extra poundage that I need to lose. I wear scrubs every day which to some seems like a dream. Well, to be honest it really is!! The down side is when you go home, put on dress up clothes, nothing fits properly & you feel large and in charge!! To me, that's one of the worst feelings EVER!!!! So what do I do.. put on sweats :) my family thinks its hilarious how comfortable I am in sweats and that I don't mind sporting them in public. With all that being said, I am going to lose weight as my new years resolution!! I'm not one to care what the scale says, I want to be happy when I look in the mirror and put on clothes. Pretty original I know but that's my plan and I'm sticking to it!!

I love my life and wouldn't trade it for anything!! I have a family that loves me and my many flaws unconditionally and a support system that keeps me accountable!! I look forward to 2011 and the new memories that it will bring!!

getting big!!

Megan & Avery now...



then...


It's obvious we obnoxiously love our nieces & think they're the best thing since sliced bread... sadly, we feel the same way about our child, I mean dog Avery!!

WNBA future??

This is Laci's first year to play basketball and she is loving it!! It's so funny watching them play at this age, they have no idea what's going on!!

Brad, Laci's dad is the coach!!


getting to her position...


pep talk!!


game time!!


I still can't believe Laci is old enough to play basketball on a team but I look forward to the many, many, many games I will atend to watch her!!

Sometimes I Cry

When I was having one of those days where I could barely talk to someone without crying a good friend sent me this song & told me to listen to the lyrics..

Sometimes I Cry - Jason Crabb

I look the part
blend in with the rest of the church crowd
I know the routine
I could list all the bible studies in town
watch christian TV
I know all the preachers...their cliches
been born again, without a doubt I know I'm saved

But sometimes I hurt and sometimes I cry
sometimes I can't get it right
no matter how hard I seem to try
sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong
as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

I try to speak faith
never give the devil one inch to get in
I do worship and praise
let everybody know just where that I stand
on the back of my ride is a fish and a cross
for the world to see
I know God is good, all of the time
yes there's no doubt for me

But sometimes I hurt and sometimes I cry
sometimes I can't get it right
no matter how hard I seem to try
sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong
as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

Sometimes I fall down
stumble over my own disguise
I try to look strong as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

I try to look strong as the whole world looks on
but sometimes alone I cry

Merry Christmas 2010

Merry CHRISTmas to you all, God Bless Ben & Sarah!!



My sister snapped this picture for us after church today.. she also took some awesome ones of the girls, you should go to her blog & have a look!!

She also mentioned that we should make this picture a Christmas card & send them out.. to be honest, I thought about it for a second but then decided I wasn't ready. I know, we lost Weslee in 2009 but something still feels and probably always will feel missing..

Merry Christmas to you all - please remember the real reason for the season - Christ!!

Brynn

Brynn has been such a wonderful baby and so fun to love on the past few weeks.. hard to believe on Monday she will already be 3 weeks old!!

her favorite thing is to sleep with her hands above her head or on her face.. precious!!


Brynn and her nonny (my mom)


sleeping beauty!!


I can't tell you how much Brynn has filled a void in my heart!! Of course I have a special place for both babies we've lost and place(s) for the children we long for.. God knows what we need and when we need it, Ben and I continue to learn patience and understanding daily.

a first for Laci...

Laci had a big first last week... she lost her first tooth!! She had been wiggling the dang tooth for weeks & finally one of her teachers pulled it for her. Needless to say she was so proud, as are we!!

Happy 4th Birthday Megan!!

On December 7 Megan Lynn Bohannan celebrated her 4th birthday!! Where has the time gone, it seems like yesterday we were waiting on her to get here... She had a party with her friends at a local jumping place the Saturday before her actual birthday. Ben and I were in Branson so we were unable to attend :( On her actual birthday we had a small get together at their house. Mammaw & papaw Caple and aunt Brenda (moms parents & sister) were able to stop by.

mom, Orene (mammaw) Doc (papaw) & Brenda


Orene with Brynn


One of the many gifts Megan got was a home pedicure kit.. Auntie has spoiled the girls with going to get their nails done so what better gift!!


Brad took Laci and Meg to see Tangled a week ago.. she got a Tangled bath time fun kit.


New attire


The girls giving each other pedicures!!


Just blew out the candles & now enjoying their favorite part... licking the candles!!


The new Shrek movie - I'm not sure who loves the movies more us or the girls!!


Happy Birthday cake!!


The birthday girl!!


Megan is loved more than she knows and got some wonderful presents from friends and family!!

In memory...

Ben and I got home from Branson Sunday afternoon.. I was hoping we would be home before four o'clock because at Ballard Funeral Home they had a memorial service for those that have passed away this year. I wanted to be there to honor my papaw Grant.. It was neat to look around the room and know we were in the company of others that were honoring ones they loved and lost. What I wasn't prepared for were the emotions that took over me. There was a speaker that did an amazing job, I wish I had what he said on video.. I felt like he was talking directly to me with everything that we've been through. I tried to push my emotions and the lump in my throat away, far far away!! There was also a solo that was beautiful.. That solo was followed by a lighting ceremony that was very touching. As each candle was lit we were told to say the name of the one(s) we were honoring. I must admit I haven't said "papaw Grant" aloud since he went to be with Jesus. It was much harder than I anticipated.. at the same time I was so proud to say his name and pass the light on!! When all the candles were lit they played a song.. I can't tell you what song because at that point I lost it!! I was overwhelmed with emtions.. all those feelings I was pushing away in the beginning came out, in full force!! I actually had to get up and walk out.. I couldn't handle it, I didn't want to go back to that place. That place being, what we no longer have with us!! I am not one to show my emtions much to anyone, especially in public. I'm not a poker player but if I was I "bet" I'd have a great face!! It's not a pride thing, I can't explain why I'm the way I am.. I find I try to be tough for those around me, to let them know I'm okay?! Ballard did such an amazing job at putting together a service that was so special for those that have lost loved ones. This holiday season is a first of many get togethers without our beloved papaw Grant.. Thanksgiving was bitter sweet, we lit papaw's burn barrell and enjoyed just being together!! Papaw told his doctors and nurses that he had too much to live for to be sick.. I know that he's looking down on us, proud of his newest great granddaughter Brynn, looking forwad to the wedding of Katie & Jace, & seeing us be together as a family!!

I've been struggling lately with a lot of questions for God.. It took me a while to talk to him (as silly as that sounds) after losing this baby. I'm reading and reseaching many aspects of prayer.. I could write a book on all the questions I have. It's amazing what your mind does to you when you go through turmoil. I've said many times before that there have been positives come out of our trials. I think, what if we wouldn't of gone through these heartaches, what if everything would of been easy... would I of ever learned the lessons I have thus far?? My faith has and continues to be tested like never before!! I have questions that I'm ashamed to ask because it sounds as though I question my faith. I am a OCD person and need to know the why's of everything!!! I'm fortunate to have my dad and be able to bounce questions off of him.. he's recently given me a book to read that I'm praying will answer many of my nagging questions about prayer, God, & the future. Pleae pray for Ben and I as we continue every day and look for God's purpose in our lives..

Branson 2010

For the past 3 years Bens parents have taken us, his sister & her husband to Branson around Christmas. It's always such a nice escape and we needed it this year more than ever!! Ben had not been on a trip since our Branson trip last year.. with school and work, he's been stuck at home.

Trent, Katherine, Ben, me (a few of these pictures are blurry, I'm hoping his parents pictures turned out better than mine)


Ben and I (brrr)


On his parents balcony.. we always stay @ Branson Landing which is so nice to be able to walk out the door & have shopping right there!!


my handsome baby daddy & hubby!!


We were so thankful the sun was out on Saturday which made the wind chill not sting as bad..


Thank you Mary Ann and Phil for another wonderful, memorable trip!!

Brynn Bradley Bohannan

I must apologize for not putting pictures of Brynn up yet.. I've spent far too much time holding and loving on Brynn and her big sisters!! Amber, Brynn, & her whole family are doing great!! Setting into a family of 5 beautifully!! I stole these pics off of Amber's blog because I took all the pictures with her camera..

sleeping beauty!!


Bohannan family of 5 - Brad's going to have his work cut out for him!!


Checking everything out!!


Brynn arriving has been the best medicine for my heart.. nothing can take the place of our Weslee or our most recent loss but boy has she got auntie smiling again!!

SHE'S HERE!!

Brynn decided to make her arrival into the world a day early.. Amber was having some issues that she went in to get checked out Monday morning. They had her walk around for a few hours and when they checked her again she was making progress so they kept her!!!!!!!!!! Fluids, pit, water breaking, Stadol, epidural, & lot's of pressure = a beautiful 6'10, 18 1/2" long beautiful, healthy baby girl!!!!! I am ashamed to say that I have no pictures to put on here right now.. I have some on my phone but have no idea how to get them from there to my computer?!! I was in charge of photography throughout the day and labor but I was using Amber's camera.. so I promise soon I will get copies of those pics or have Ben upload the pics off my phone. I must admit, she is beautiful... not sure who she looks like?? She has tiny features just like her daddy!! Her big sisters are in love and we can't wait to show her off!!

(she was born @ 5:59pm on Monday, Nov 22 - Amber is doing wonderful as well)

Due Date!!

I can hardly contain my excitement about Tuesday, November 23 because...... my #3 niece, Brynn Bradley Bohannan will be here!!!! It's been a long couple of years for our family personally.. after losing Weslee and Amber having a miscarriage, we joked (warped humor I know) that we just need a baby!!! Well, our desires are coming true and we couldn't be more excited!! Of course Brynn could decide to come any time between now and Tuesday (which Amber would LOVE) but we're elated there's an end in sight!! I'll be the proud, annoying auntie in the delivery room with the camera!! Brynn, you're already loved more than you know and you've got an entourage of people praying for you and your safe and swift arrival!!

*Please take a second and pray for my sister & Brynn and their safety!!

Thank you all...

Thank you for your encouraging comments and prayers, Ben and I appreciate them more than you know!! We both went back to work this week and did well considering.. we're trying to get back to life as "normal." We've been asked many questions following the loss of this baby but the main one I've received is, "was this the first time you were to hear the heartbeat?" We've known we were pregnant since very early on.. we had been seeing and hearing the baby's heartbeat since week 5. As of my 12 week (12 w, 6 d) appointment the baby was moving like crazy with a heartbeat in the 170's!! So you can imagine the shock by all when I went in around what I thought was 13-14 weeks to see nothing.. (When a baby's heart stops beating it shrinks in size which was why I measured 12 weeks, 4 days at that appointment.) There is no correlation between what happened with Weslee and this baby.. for whatever reason this baby's heart just stopped beating?? After surgery the doctor was very reassuring to my family that everything looked perfect!! Meaning, everything was attached properly.. that fact is a positive but it's also very puzzling?! We were encouraged to start trying right away, that is if and when we're ready.. I keep telling myself how fortunate we are that we could even get pregnant.. for a while we were starting to wonder. We're trying not to let the devil get the best of us and stay positive!! We're relatively young, healthy, and have no known predisposed risks.. like our doctor put it, we just had some bad luck?! I was reminded yesterday by a friend that has lost an infant that these babies were never ours!! Such a strong point, I do believe this but I'm still human and am extremely selfish in wanting these precious gifts!! Thank you again for your continued prayers and I'll be updating with what God is doing in our lives...

another chapter to our book...

I've been going over and over in my head how to write this post.. for four days actually. There's really no easy way to put it, so here it is...

I've talked about how awesome my OB clinic and his staff are!! Any time I have a question or concern they call me back within minutes and offer to get me in for reassurance.. this past Thursday was just like any other day, I had a question which the nurse assured me was normal. A few hours later she called back & said they had a cancellation and for me to come in.. (not because she was concerned but because I work in the same building and they treat me like a celebrity) No one knew I was going to see the doctor but the girls and doctor I work with.. I was actually hoping he could find out what we were having so I could surprise Ben with a blue or pink onsie on my way home.. After laughing with the nurse and doctor about how paranoid I was they proceeded with the ultrasound.. after a few silent seconds (which seemed like hours) I finally looked up @ the ceiling and softly said, there's no heartbeat. The doctor was silent for another second and answered, "I don't see one." He continued to look, at every angle possible and the baby was not moving and there was no heartbeat in the chest cavity. To say the doctor was shocked is an understatement, he was at a loss for words.. I found myself laying on that cold table, alone having de ja vu of this time a year ago. The worst part of the whole ordeal was having to call Ben and our families and completely blindsiding them with the news. Since I was between 13-14 weeks along I had to have a D & E on Friday.. Physically I feel good, mild cramping but nothing like I anticipated, I plan on going back to work tomorrow. Ben and I spent last night pouring our hearts out to each other for the first time since finding out our second babies fate on Thursday afternoon.. Our doctor assured us that Weslee and this baby passing away had nothing to do with each other, his exact words were, "this sucks and it's just bad luck." That sounds unsympathetic but it's so true.. many people have miscarriages but only 5% have them in their second trimesters.. there's no known cause, again we have no answers.. we were told that the odds of this happening again are low and we were encouraged to go for it again!! All Ben and I can do is try to stay positive and look to the future... At first I said, shouted actually, I can't do this again, I don't want to do this again.. but that's something that I will pray about and put in Gods hands. I still have my faith and know that God has a perfect plan for us all!! Just like last time we've already been surrounded by wonderful support, family, friends, & familiar stories to let us know we're not alone... please pray that Ben and I can be strong in our faith and make the right decisions as we move forward with our family.

On a positive note, my sister should be delivering Brynn (niece #3) any time, at the latest early next week!! One of the first things I told my doctor once finding out about this baby was, it's okay I've got a new niece coming any time!! Random what thoughts pop into your head in the midst of tragedy.. I love my sister and her family, those girls are a great healing for me, when I see them I see hope, life, innocence, and pure love!! Megan actually said when they told her auntie's baby was "sick" again that... "ohh so it'll be in Heaven with baby Weslee." So true Megan, so true!!

26 years old??!

On November 7 I celebrated my 26th birthday, where have the years gone?? When people ask me my age I automatically want to say 21.. I keep having to ask my family how old I really am.

On Saturday night we celebrated with my immediate family @ my sister's house. She has a wound burning fireplace which is my favorite so I requested that be going!!Since my taste buds have been very sensitive I got to pick the menu - thank you mom for cooking all day, it was amazing!!

poppyseed chicken


hashbrown casserole, sweet potato casserole, & crescent rolls


my card from Laci that she picked our and wrote in.. inside there was some change which she got from her wallet, melted my heart!!


I'm not a big fan of sweets but I will eat a little ice cream cake which is what we had..


On Sunday night we celebrated with Ben's immediate fam @ Johnny Carino's, YUMM!! Sadly, I didn't take any pictures.. I was too busy eating bread with oil!!

It's crazy when you're married or in the real world your presents change from "things" to money!!!

I received some wonderful gifts from all my family, thank you so much!!

trying to stay positive!!

First off, thank you all so much for your kind words!! I know I wrote that last post then kind of left you all hanging.. When I said I was fine with not telling anyone until I couldn't hide it, I was very serious. I think it was my way of feeling in control?? With our last pregnancy I was so open & honest with the world that when things started unraveling I felt like that same world was in the middle of our business. I hope no one takes that the wrong way, we could not of been more loved, prayed for, & taken care of during that time.. I am a very private person, I come by it honestly from my dad. I guess in some way I thought if we kept this to ourselves and something happened, no one would know & maybe it wouldn't hurt as bad?? That statement sounds morbid, like I was/am waiting for something to happen.. I believe that's a normal feeling after losing a child to such a rare disorder. My faith is strong & I believe God has a plan but I am not perfect & I still have days that I question the future. We were told at our last appointment that we were over all the "major" issues.. after Ben heard that he was itching to tell the world (as was my immediate family) Ben reminded me that the more people that knew the more people that could pray for us. I have not downloaded the ultrasound pictures yet, it seems this fatigue & nausea are going to hang around in the second trimester too.. I never really knew what an abnormal ultrasound picture looked like until our 20 week appt with Weslee, but to see the perfectly shaped head and kicking arms & legs is breathtaking!! I feel more @ peace after each and every appointment we have. I think once I start showing more & feel him/her kick it'll get even easier. All in all I've had a pleasant pregnancy thus far. I work full time & am on my feet 95% of the time. A lot of that time I'm in the OR sewing or retracting which takes muscles & maneuvering in random positions. I love love love my job and hope to work until the day I deliver.. I went to the doctor on Thursday and everything looked "perfect" as Dr. M said. I get to go back in a few weeks and he said we may even be able to find out what the sex of the baby is.. Since I'm considered high risk I do have an ultrasound at every appointment which is probably more for my peace of mind than the doctors. I will go see the specialist that delivered Weslee around 20 weeks with a high tech ultrasound machine to check each & every crevice of the baby.

I am one proud mommy!!


If Ben only knew the amount of money we've spent on pregnancy tests :)


I am going to be as open as I feel comfortable being about this pregnancy. Ben and I look forward to each appointment & can't wait to see how much the baby has grown in just a matter of weeks!!

one year ago today...

It's amazing how quickly time goes by.. one year ago today the following pictures and memories were made. Ben and I were surrounded by immediate family as our daughter, Weslee Faith Mizell was stillborn @ 20 weeks (5 months.)

We were amazed at how she looked @ just 20 weeks in my belly.. we could tell she already had facial features like her dad and long legs like her mom.


I loved watching Ben hold, caress, &; just stare at Weslee..


I cried, laughed, kissed, and talked as I held her for the first time.. to some I know this may seem crazy (because her sweet spirit was already in Heaven) but for us it was closure..

Once our families had gone home we had a few hours alone with Weslee and each other.. I must admit I spent some of that time crying to God asking why I had to go through such a painful (phsycially & emotionally) time.. not only did we not get to know our daughter on this earth, I had to endure childbirth and all that goes with it.. that was me being selfish!! Ben and I also spent time thanking God for allowing us to have the time we did with her.. it's a weird place to be, never did we imagine we'd be put in the situation we were. It makes it 10x harder when you know you've done everything by the textbook, what went wrong, what did I do?? The medical field has no reason why some babies are anencephalic?? So you can imagine the questions Ben and I had and continue to have..


I've been very open about our struggle with infertility.. When we got the okay from my doctor to start "trying" again we did. We were ready!! I thought to myself, surely after what we went through I will get pregnant easy and have another baby in 9 months to help with this void in my heart and soul... boy was I wrong!! We used a wonderful fertility doctor in Little Rock (I'd be happy to give you his info if you're interested) who held our hands through each poke and procedure. Without getting into all the details of the tests, we were basically told that my L fallopian tube was blocked and my ovaries were very small for my age. Dr. B said that years ago, a woman my age & with the issues above they would go straight to IVF (in vitro fertilization.) Before we started that I had a surgery to see if they could unblock the L tube, if not they were to remove it. I've had a long history of endometriosis and come to find out that's what was blocking my tube. During that surgery a retractor slipped & my cervix was torn. We were not to "try" to have a baby for two weeks and I had to be careful in my every day activities. A side note, I had surgery on a Wednesday and my papaw Grant went into hospice the following week and went to be with Jesus on Friday.. talk about a heavy load!! The plan after surgery was to wait on mother nature and then start with fertility drugs.. after waiting weeks I was concerned something wasn't right.. My concern turned to terror as I took and had a positive pregnancy test!! Yes, you read that right, a positive pregnancy test. Some time after surgery & the two week waiting period Ben and I convieved the baby in my belly now!! I am currently 12 weeks pregnant :) I have been super hesitent to say anything to anyone.. Immediate family knew right away beecause I needed their support and prayers. I did not want to tell the world until I saw a whole, healthy baby. We're being treated like celebrities @ my new OB doctor, getting ultrasounds every three weeks & even more if I need some reassurance!! I was fine not telling anyone until I couldn't hide it anymore.. but we were assured at my latest appointment that the baby was perfect right now and we saw a whole body and perfect head!!! All we can say about this is that it's a God thing.. we were told by the fertility specialist that drugs were our only way to conceive remember?? So please, all of you that are struggling with infertility please don't give up!!!! I am proof that you can defy the odds and God does work miracles!! Our little miracle is due around May 12!!

Today has been a bitter sweet day, Heaven is rejoicing the birthay of our Weslee!! I picture her being rocked and sung to by papaw Grant, then I see her running through fields of flowers, skipping and running around!! One day we will be with her and we will have no questions, no worries, pure bliss!!

Happy Birthday, Amber!!

This time last year my sister was not celebrating her 30th birthday like she should of been, she was sitting in my hospital room. At the time I was obviously not in my right mind, but I do remember Amber saying that she was excited to share her birthday with her niece Weslee.. but she was stubborn like her momma & decided to have her own birthday, the 24th. Today was a much different day, although fresh in all of our minds, we enjoyed food, laughter, presents, & sweets!!

lot's of icing!!


"Happy birthday mom!" Megan


"Happy birthday mom!" Laci


Her present from mom, a Happy Everything plate from Hallmark, I got her a few plates to go with it..


Her many birthday cards!!


Amber - I'm so glad we were able to get together this year for your birthday. A lot has happened in the past year but it's made us closer than ever. I love you!!

Katie's shower!

Along with my sister's shower on Friday night, we had a wedding shower for our cousin Katie on Saturday. She lives in Heber Springs and has for years but she still has a big family and friend base here.. it was a great turn out and she got some awesome gifts!! I can't wait for her December wedding, it will be beautiful!!

food table



The beautiful bride to be, Katie Harris... soon to be Holmes (yes, Katie Holmes)



(people always think we're sisters, she is my dad's sister's daughter.. I am a spitting image of that side of the family, unlike my sis who looks identical to our mom.. Wes, our brother, well I guess he came from the milk man)

getting ready for baby Brynn!!

Since my sis is having her third baby girl she didn't think she would have a shower.. Devon & I couldn't let that happen so we planned a small get together and invited some close friends for an "essentials" shower.. she got some great things she needed for a new one like bath shampoos, lotions, toys, burp cloths, paci's, & some blankets to name a few. She was so thankful and pleased with how it turned out.

yummy food



Becca, Devon, & Amber



punch & cake (made my Devon, so creative)




awesome banner, also made by Devon



Now all we need is baby Brynn to show up!! Amber's due date is around November 27 but we're hoping she gets induced early the week of Thanksgiving!! (we have to be ready for black Friday, priorities!!)